An EQUALITY and RESPECT checklist for men

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To develop and maintain a truly intimate relationship requires you to see the other person as different but equal. This is an on-going struggle in the best of relationships and reflects the nature of close relationships. Our society encourages judgement and labels about people based on all sorts of false information and erroneous beliefs.

Harriet Goldner Lerner gives us a clue to what intimacy means:

For starters, intimacy means that we can be who we are in a relationship, and allow the other person to do the same.

‘Being who we are’ requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship.

‘Allowing the other to do the same’ means that we can stay emotionally connected to that other party who thinks, feels and believes differently, without needing to change, convince, or fix the other.
An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.

The Dance of Intimacy, Harriet Goldner Lerner, p. 3

Take a look at the following checklist and have a think about…

• Where you're at now
• Where you want to be, and
• What you need to do to get there

 
An EQUALITY and RESPECT checklist for men

Non-threatening Behaviour

• Talked and acted in ways that made others feel safe
• Allowed others to leave if they wished
• Was aware of body posture, movements and loudness

Respect

• Listened to others without judging them
• Valued others’ opinions
• Agreed to disagree
• Allowed others the space to have their say
• Used the Respect Test frequently
• Used person’s name, not a label

Trust and Support

• Supported others in their choices
• Respected others to have their own feelings
• Allowed others to choose their friends
• Allowed others to have their opinion

Honesty and Accountability

• Accepted responsibility for myself and my behaviour
• Acknowledged my past abuse
• Admitted being wrong
• Communicated honestly and truthfully

Responsible Parenting

• Kept the boundary between adult issues and children’s issues
• Shared fully in parenting responsibilities
• Was a positive, non-abusive model for children

Shared Responsibility

• Mutually agreed on fair distribution of work
• Made family decisions together
• Talked regularly about important issues

Economic Partnership

• Made money decisions together
• Made sure everyone benefits from any arrangements concerning money

Negotiation and Fairness

• Worked out conflicts so that there were no winners or losers
• Accepted change
• Was willing to compromise

Grab a printable version of the checklist here...