Whenever we change, part of us becomes excited and determined, while another part of us fears what it may mean and wants to remain the same. Even when we are strongly determined to be different, there is a part of us that wants to keep things the same.

​Two very important questions are:

• What is getting in the way of stopping this problem?’
• What is required to change it?

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Take a moment to think about some other behaviour that you have managed to put behind you. For example, have you...

• Quit smoking
• Given up or slowed down your drinking
• Gone to a gym to keep yourself fit and healthy
• Taken a night class to learn more about something that interests you

Now ask yourself...

• What helped you sustain this change until it became a permanent part of your life?

This is a question you can ask about any interaction between people…

“Does this interaction build or lessen respect, safety and trust for this person, or does it demean them in some way?”

Abusive behaviour is clearly at the expense of others, whereas respectful behaviour enhances all concerned. Healthy relationships are those where people feel free to disagree. This does not mean that people don’t like or are judging you… it simply means that, from their experiences and understanding, they have a different view. You can agree to disagree over an issue and still remain friends.

Safety...
To live safely with someone means keeping them safe from all insults, threats and violence, no matter what they do or say to us. A big ask? Yes, but we have to ask ourselves whether our nonviolence is merely conditional on how others behave. Unless we commit to being safe to live with ‘no matter what,’ it means we are secretly keeping a reserve of abuse and violence up our sleeve (or in a dark corner of our mind) to bring out when we want to punish someone for doing whatever we don’t like.

Which attitude is more courageous and worthy of self-respect for us as men... being safe to live with no matter what, or keeping in reserve the right to punish by abuse or violence?

To embrace these new ways of being with others will make a huge difference to your own sense of self, as well as to how others perceive you.

Below are some specific ways to relate to others more respectfully. 

• Limiting the amount of space you take when talking to others.
• Not interrupting people who are speaking, and allowing people to finish what they are saying. When people pause, it does not necessarily mean they have finished, but are catching their breath and getting their thoughts together
• Becoming a good listener. Active listening (staying with what the person is saying), is not a passive activity. It requires being open to hearing others and resisting the urge to censor out what it is you may not like about what they are saying.
• Getting and giving support. If we are able to put our own agendas aside and see the overall picture of what is to be achieved, it is possible to work with others as opposed to working against them. The final goals of most people are good relationships with others and the ability to resolve issues of difficulty so that they come out feeling they have been taken seriously.

Have you had enough?

Is it time to put abuse behind you, or do you want to keep your options open? You have found that the reasons for belonging to the ‘Abuse Club’ are no longer valid. You had little choice about joining - membership is free when you are born male - but you can make the decision to resign now that you are an adult.
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So what will you do? Letting go of a lifestyle of abuse is like saying goodbye to an old friend. The friend may have got you into a great deal of trouble but you have been through a lot together, like real buddies or mates. There were pay-offs or benefits in being a member of the ‘Abuse Club’. You often got what you wanted in the short term, at the expense of others.

Men are not by nature bad communicators.

Men will make decisions about how, when and how much energy they put into conversing with others. I have met a number of men who are incredibly well spoken in the public world, but struggle to clearly sort things out in their private lives.

As Harold said…
“This was my second marriage. I wasn’t a good communicator. I could talk at work and speak in public but one-to-one I was hopeless.”
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In Harold’s case it is not a matter of having a lack of skills to communicate… The problem was his beliefs about putting the same energy into talking at a personal level. So what stops these same men effectively communicating with their partners and others?

Understanding why men  use abuse and violence can be tough!

All of us know that behaviour is often learnt from what we see, hear and experience as children, however people often have judgemental views and attitudes about men who are abusive.
To truly make a difference in our own lives and the lives of our families we must get away from the idea of being punitive.

In the above clip you will hear from several men who have all gone through family violence programmes. In the clip they discuss their experience of perpetrating violence and abuse within their families and offer some insight into some of the factors that may have contributed to the abuse.

Reflection activity
After viewing the media clip consider the reflection questions below...

1. What did you hear about the men’s lives that contributed towards their use of violence?
2. ​How can you relate to the men in this clip?
3. Without excusing the violence what were the patterns of family behaviour that led or contributed to the violence?

To develop and maintain a truly intimate relationship requires you to see the other person as different but equal. This is an on-going struggle in the best of relationships and reflects the nature of close relationships. Our society encourages judgement and labels about people based on all sorts of false information and erroneous beliefs.

Harriet Goldner Lerner gives us a clue to what intimacy means:

For starters, intimacy means that we can be who we are in a relationship, and allow the other person to do the same.

‘Being who we are’ requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship.

‘Allowing the other to do the same’ means that we can stay emotionally connected to that other party who thinks, feels and believes differently, without needing to change, convince, or fix the other.
An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.

The Dance of Intimacy, Harriet Goldner Lerner, p. 3

Have you been conned?

Like many men, you may have been conned by the Old Rule Book (and the family you grew up in) to behave in certain ways. Like any con, it loses its power once it’s exposed. Once you see the situation for what it is you are in a strong position to make other choices – that is… the choice to make a change!

Human nature is a tricky thing because it invites you (wants you) to act in the same ways and do the same things to resolve a problem. What this does, is gets you stuck even more. When you understand where your patterns of behaviour come from and what around you is supporting these behaviours, you’re in a good position to rewrite your own story.
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The Old Rule Book was made up of the following ideas…