Digging deeper into abusive practices... 'The abusive practices checklist'

​​Click the play button if you would rather have this post read...

---

So what behaviours are OK?

Digging deeper and having a closer look into abusive practices can be really helpful for some men to identify exactly what types of behaviours are 'not OK'.

​Work through the following list of behaviours from the 'abusive practices checklist' and consider the behaviours that you've carried out. ​

---

Abusive practices checklist

Being intimidating

• Using gestures, looks, actions to intimidate others
• Smashing things
• Destroying property
• Abusing pets
• Displaying weapons
• Using stand-over tactics
• Avoiding responsibility for what you have done
• Making light of abuse
• Not hearing/ignoring the concerns of others
• Denying abuse ever happened
• Shifting responsibility onto others
• Blaming other factors – alcohol, stress etc.

Using bullying and threats

• Making threats and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt someone
• Threatening to leave
• Threatening to kill others
• Threatening to kill yourself
• Coercing others to drop charges
• Threatening punishments

Physical abuse

• Hitting, slapping, punching
• Pushing, shoving, tripping
• Shaking, choking, throttling
• Kicking, biting, burning, beating up
• Pulling hair, spanking
• Squeezing overly tightly, hurting deliberately
• Hitting with an object, using a weapon
• Throwing things at the person

Emotional abuse

• Calling a person names
• Criticising someone’s appearance
• Suggesting the other person is useless, incompetent
• Calling others crazy, stupid
• Using guilt, being sarcastic
• Playing mind games
• Keeping important information secret
• Humiliating your partner or wife in front of others
• Refusing to discuss issues
• Ignoring, sulking, walking out, storming out

Male entitlement

• Treating women like servants
• Acting like ‘master of the castle’
• Insisting on respect or treatment entitled to as a man
• Sticking to strict traditional male/female roles
• Forcing decisions and/or opinions onto others
• Making big decisions without consulting others
• Believing men are better decision makers

Victim Isolation

• Controlling what the other person does
• Controlling where they go
• Controlling who they see
• Controlling how long they spend anywhere
• Dictating where the family will live in i.e. moving to a remote isolated rural location
• Sabotaging the plans of others
• Being rude to the other person’s friends
• Being rude about the other person’s friends

Using children

• Using children to hurt, hassle
• Harassing over access and custody
• Using the children to relay messages
• Threatening to take the children away
• Making the other person feel guilty about the children

Sexual abuse

• Having sex when the other person doesn’t want to
• Forcing sexual behaviour others don’t like
• Harassing sexually: unwanted touching, making sexual jokes, forcing someone to watch or view pornography
• Withdrawing sexually
• Threatening to go elsewhere for sex

Being economically abusive

• Keeping control of the money
• Deciding on how money is used without consulting others
• Preventing a partner getting a job
• Forcing a partner to get a job
• Making a partner ask for money
• Forcing partner to attain and concede fraudulent benefit payments
• Being secretive or dishonest about expenses and income

Use of technology

• Monitoring calls/texts
• Checking computer and phone histories
• Sending abusive texts or emails
• Misuse of social networking sites
• Hacking online bank accounts
• Hacking personal accounts
• Installing spyware/keyware programmes to track others use of computer/internet

---

  
​Reflection activity...
Consider the behaviours you've identified. They describe the abusive things you've done. Many men find it hard to own up to the types and the range of abusive behaviour they carry out.

• How will it be for you to own up to the behaviours that you do?
• Are you ready to own up to all of your behaviours or will you censor out certain bits? 
• What do you want your new story to look like?​

​You may be aware that you don’t have to be angry to carry out any of the behaviours you ticked above. Men tell me that, although they can say they are angry, in reality they carry out many of these behaviours without even getting aroused.

It's when people (people like you) refuse the invitation to play along with the abusive practices that we will start to engage in a process of change and as a result live happier, safer lives.

To make more sense of the 'Abusive practices checklist' check out the 'She'll be sweet' post here... and complete the reflection activity...