How do you know whether you're a victim or someone that is abusive?

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​Not all abusive relationships involve physical violence...

When people talk about family violence they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or partner. While physical injuries are the most obvious not all abusive relationships involve physical violence.

Psychological abuse, by default, also occurs when there is intimidation, threats and physical violence. It can also exist in a relationship where controlling behaviour and emotional abuse are common place but never escalate into physical harm.

Regardless of whether there is physical abuse, the outcome of emotional abuse is severe and impacts on the self-worth of the victim. Unfortunately emotional abuse is often minimised or overlooked even by the person being abused.

So how do you know if you are...  A victim yourself? And/or Someone who is abusive within their relationship?

One way to find out is to take one or both of the following questionnaires...

1. How am I treated in my relationship?
2. How do I treat my partner in our relationship?

Download a copy of each questionnaire or complete them below...

How am I treated in my relationship?

How do I treat my partner in our relationship?

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Questionnaire 1 - How am I treated in my relationship?

Whether you’re in a long-term or casual relationship, you deserve to be treated well.
Take the quiz to see how healthy your relationship is.

​Instructions

• Answer YES or NO for each question
• Add up the points associated with each question and see what your total is
• Have a look at the results

Scoring

• For questions 1-5: Score one point for every NO
• For questions 6-10: Score one point for every YES
• For questions 11-15: Score five points for every YES

 
The person I am with…

1. Supports my choices (YES or NO)
2. Listens to my opinions (YES or NO)
3. Is positive and encourages me (YES or NO)
4. Accepts when I say I don’t want to have sex (YES or NO)
5. Accepts what I wear and how I look (YES or NO)
6. Is not liked by my friends and family (YES or NO)
7. Makes me feel like I can’t do anything right (YES or NO)
8. Makes fun of me or calls me names (YES or NO)
9. Sulks or gets angry when he/she doesn’t get what they want (YES or NO)
10. Blames me for his/her problems (YES or NO)
11. Texts or calls me all the time to check up on me (YES or NO)
12. Makes it hard for me to see my friends and family and gets jealous when I do (YES or NO)
13. Pressures me to have sex or do things I don’t want to (YES or NO)
14. Threatens to hurt himself/herself, me or others (YES or NO)
15. Does things that scare me (breaking things, yelling, driving fast) (YES or NO)

 
Results
Score: 0 points

• Your relationship seems to be healthy and respectful.

Score: 1-2 points

• There may be a few unhealthy aspects to your relationship. This can be a warning sign that it will become more abusive. It’s a good idea to address these early.

Score: 3-4 points

• There may be some warning signs that your relationship is abusive. It’s important to take warning signs seriously as abuse can get worse over time.

Score: 5 points or more

• There are definitely warning signs in your relationship. Abuse and controlling behaviours can get worse over time and it’s sometimes hard to see how bad things have become

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​Questionnaire 2 - How do I treat my partner in our relationship?

Whether you’re in a long-term or casual relationship, you need to ensure that you are treating your partner respectfully.
Take the quiz to see how healthy your relationship is.

​Instructions

• Answer YES or NO for each question
• Add up the points associated with each question and see what your total is
• Have a look at the results

Scoring

• For questions 1-5: Score one point for every NO
• For questions 6-10: Score one point for every YES
• For questions 11-15: Score five points for every YES

 
In a relationship I…

1. Support my partner’s decisions (YES or NO)
2. Get on OK with her/his friends and family (YES or NO)
3. Listen to her/his opinion (YES or NO)
4. Spend time by myself (YES or NO)
5. Trust my partner (YES or NO)
6. Criticise or make fun of her/him in front of others (YES or NO)
7. Get annoyed if I want sex but she/he doesn’t (YES or NO)
8. Get jealous when she/he talks to others (YES or NO)
9. Constantly worry she/he is cheating on me (YES or NO)
10. Text or call all the time to check up on them (YES or NO)
11. Follow or check up on them (read their texts or emails) (YES or NO)
12. Often get upset about what she/he does (YES or NO)
13. Expect her/ him to tell me where they are all the time (YES or NO)
14. Think it’s OK to be rough sometimes (YES or NO)
15. Take out my frustrations on her/him (YES or NO)

 
Results
Score: 0 points

• Your relationship seems to be healthy and respectful.

Score: 1-2 points

• There may be a few unhealthy aspects to your relationship. This can be a warning sign that it will become more abusive. It’s a good idea to address these early.

Score: 3-4 points

• There may be some warning signs that your relationship is abusive. It’s important to take warning signs seriously as abuse can get worse over time.

Score: 5 points or more

• There are definitely warning signs in your relationship. Abuse and controlling behaviours can get worse over time and it’s sometimes hard to see how bad things have become

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Always remember...

Abuse and controlling behaviours are never OK!
Help is available whether you are being abused or being abusive. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.
 
There is no shame in asking for help...

For those in Australia
If you are in danger call 000 and ask for Police. There are also organisations in every community who can help. Find out what’s available by phoning Lifeline on 13 11 14 (24hrs a day) or 1800RESPECT or visit www.1800respect.org.au

For those in New Zealand
If you are in danger call 111 and ask for Police. There are also organisations in every community who can help. Find out what’s available by phoning the 0800 Family Violence Information Line (0800 456 450) which operates from 9am-11pm daily or visit www.areyouok.org.nz