Is porn a problem?

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Is using pornography a problem for men who would like to have equal and respectful relationships?

Men who question the use of porn risk being called “prudish”, “killjoy” or “conservative”. What are your own answers to these questions?
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So is there a true distinction between “hard core” and “erotica”?

Hard core porn depicts women being hurt, forced, humiliated and degraded. Erotica is less degrading but still depicts women with a very restricted personal presence. In porn images and videos women are still reduced to narrow aspects of behaviour or body parts.

Does this respect women and our own sexual feelings as men?

What is the message to my partner if she knows I am looking at porn? If she is growing older, or is a different shape from the models in the erotic images or videos, am I telling her she fails to measure up? Am I telling her she is less attractive to me than the women in the porn images? Am I telling her she should do the things shown in the porn to please me? How do these messages affect the tender, emotional development over time of a man’s relationship with a woman?

Is it like bringing another sexual partner into the house under her nose? Porn makes a weird threesome... myself, my partner and porn. Is my looking at porn a way of telling her I’m thinking of leaving? A way of telling her she is not doing or being what I want sexually? Is bringing in porn chickening out from communicating honestly about my sexual self in the relationship?

What is supposed to be my partner’s relationship to the ‘other woman’ in the pictures? Suppressed jealousy? Mute acceptance so as not to create conflict? Self-doubt, feelings of failure, pressure to try harder? Is she hurt, devalued and puzzled about how to please me? Does she feel less valued as a person? Does she feel she is just my sexual servant?

Do we look at porn to keep up with other men? Do we just want to have something to contribute to pub-talk and sports-club talk when men brag about what they have seen on videos or the internet?
If men split off sexuality from emotion in this way, does it leave them fragmented? How is our sense of integrity as a lover and partner affected by porn-stimulated fantasies? Do we become inwardly divided? Does porn damage us as men, in terms of the finer subtle aspects of our sexuality in relationships?

If in all honesty we have to say “yes” to any of these questions it is time to stop using porn!

​What do you think?