Men's Safety Project
  • Home
  • Safety Tips
  • Downloads
  • 100 Days of SAFETY

Safety Tips

The 'Respect Test' for men in relationships

12/16/2015

2 Comments

 
Picture
​
Click the play button if you would rather have this post read...

This is a question you can ask about any interaction between people…

“Does this interaction build or lessen respect, safety and trust for this person, or does it demean them in some way?”

Abusive behaviour is clearly at the expense of others, whereas respectful behaviour enhances all concerned. Healthy relationships are those where people feel free to disagree. This does not mean that people don’t like or are judging you… it simply means that, from their experiences and understanding, they have a different view. You can agree to disagree over an issue and still remain friends.
Consider the following questions…
  • What will help me remember to apply the Respect Test to my interactions?
  • What would get in the way of me carrying out the Respect Test in my contact with others?
  • How will I ensure that I will put the necessary time and energy into respecting others?
  • What are the signs that I am demeaning a person when I interact with them?
  • Will I give up the Respect Test as not useful if I find myself failing it or will I persevere until I get it right?

These questions are central to a non-abusive lifestyle. ‘I don’t know’ answers are okay. I know some men who carry little reminder cards in their wallets. Others approach situations that they know are going to be difficult by asking themselves the question… “How will I maintain my respect for this person for the time we are together?”

Rodney (32) had great difficulty relating to his wife’s mother. Before she visited he would think of all the negative things about her. That warmed him up to act disrespectfully towards her when she arrived. He would end up arguing with her about all sorts of irrelevant issues, just for the sake of it. When Rodney was asked to apply the Respect Test to his interactions with his mother-in-law, he was less than willing. After putting aside his own resistance by focusing on how his behaviour put his wife in a difficult position, he reluctantly agreed to give it a go.

Reminding himself of the Respect Test, he prepared for his mother-in-law’s arrival by trying to put himself in her shoes. When she came in he said that while they had argued a great deal in the past he was not happy with this situation, and informed her he was planning to be more respectful towards her. Rodney stated that, for the first time, he was able to talk with his mother-in-law without just reacting to her. This was a major breakthrough.

Rodney’s story shows that it is easy to develop patterns of disrespect that escalate to a point where they form the basis of all future interactions.

A couple of weeks later Rodney’s father-in-law was hospitalised with a heart attack. It was Rodney who picked up his mother-in-law and took her to the hospital, sitting with her through the early hours of the morning. This signalled a significant turning point in their relationship.
 
Try this activity…
Think of three men and three women whom you respect then answer the following questions…
  • What are the qualities about these people that contribute towards your respect for them?
  • How does the way these people act invite you to respect them?
  • How do you want to be respected - out of fear, or because of who you are and how you act towards others?
Now decide if these people are good models for you when it comes to respectful ways of being with others.
​
You might want to talk with them further about how they have managed to achieve this and whether they have ideas that will be helpful to you.
2 Comments
Denise Dickinson link
1/12/2021 05:18:22 pm

Hello nicee blog

Reply
Nathan McMurdo link
6/30/2021 06:56:48 am

thanks for the advice contained

Reply



Leave a Reply.


    Categories

    All
    Building Safety Habits
    Getting Ready For Safety
    Impact On Others
    Managing Dodgy Thoughts
    Managing High Octane Emotions
    Managing High Risk Situations
    Runs On The Board
    Safety Planning
    Tolerating Distress

    Archives

    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    October 2015

    Picture

    Ken McMaster

    Ken McMaster (MSW Hons, CQSW, MANZASW) has a thirty year history working at the cutting edge of intervention work with men who are violent and who sexually abuse. 

    Picture

    Suzi Hall

    Suzi Hall (M.A. Psych) has a background of working in child protection and forensic interviewing of children with Child Youth and Family Services.

    Picture

    Matt Williams

    Matt Williams (BTcLn, NCALNE) has a 15 year history working within the social service and criminal justice sectors as a trainer and program developer. 

    RSS Feed

Picture

​
​2016 © HMA ● www.menssafetyproject.com ● www.hma.co.nz ●
info@hma.co.nz
  • Home
  • Safety Tips
  • Downloads
  • 100 Days of SAFETY